TIPS FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
© By Marvin Thomas, MSW
January 15, 1999
In our relationships, we hope for intimacy - warmth - support and a shared effort in living our lives fully. Instead, the pressures of modern life and our old scripts collide with our dreams to sabotage the true potential of our partnerships. A primary relationship between a man and a woman is a dignified, profound, difficult, delightful, life-deepening process which needs support in order to grow.
It Takes Work
For couples who want to make the most of their relationship, the first thing to remember is that a successful marriage takes work. Just as we do not take our careers for granted, we cannot forget to nurture our relationships. In our professional lives, we work hard, prioritize our deadlines, take classes, and treat our colleagues and customers with dignity and respect. We must apply the same guidelines to a marriage if we want it to succeed. A fulfilling and happy marriage takes the same hard work, respect, and dedication that a successful career requires. And, like a career, it will suffer if it is neglected or misused. After all, if people treated their careers as dumping grounds for their frustrations, they would soon be out of work.
A True Partnership
It is important to understand that you two are partners in a life process together. Commitment, good will, and caring are absolutely necessary. Remember that each of you is struggling to live as good a life as you can. Your partner does not lay awake at night thinking of ways to make your life miserable - more likely than not, he or she is thinking about how to make their own life more meaningful. You both must remember that you are on the same side. Commitment to good intentions, caring, and understanding are the key ingredients of a healthy marriage.
Invest in Romance
Always court each other for as long as you are married. When a couple first falls in love, they spend a lot of time together, talking, sharing, dreaming, looking into each other's eyes, holding hands, taking walks, cuddling and romancing the relationship. These activities create a precious bond between them. As the hurry-scurry of life comes along, many couples forget to continue the courtship. Over time, they drift apart. Soon disappointment and loneliness creep into the relationship. This can lead to all kinds of heartache. The best insurance against this loneliness is to always treat each other with the same sweetness and tenderness that you expressed in the earliest days of the relationship.
A Couple Is Two People
Remember that each of you is an individual. Each of you is a unique person with different ways of expressing your feelings and responding to the world.
It is helpful to understand the profound differences between men and women. A man is genetically encoded to take action and solve problems rather than express his feelings directly. Many men express their love by doing something or solving some problem. One man may spend all day out in the hot sun putting on a new roof as a way of showing his wife that he loves her; another may spend a Saturday morning fixing her car. The woman may become irritated because instead of simply saying the words she wants to hear -- "I love you" -- her husband fixes the roof, tries to solve her problems, or works his head off at a job he hates rather than simply listening to her. But a man is not genetically encoded to listen in the same way that women are. Women-- remember that when your man tries to solve your problems or fix things, he is really telling you that he loves you.
In contrast, a woman expresses her love through her words and her symbolic expressions. She will put a love note in his lunch, whisper sweet things in his ear, talk to him about her day, her feelings, and the events and people in her life. She feels loved when she can talk and be heard. For women, the exchange of words and emotions and ideas is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Guys --remember that while she appreciates your solutions and repairs, she is more interested in talking and being heard. This will leave her feeling loved.
Tip the Scales to the Positive Side
John Gottman, a marital researcher, discovered that a marriage has a good chance of thriving if a couple has a minimum of five positive interactions to counteract every negative or painful interaction. As a couple, you should make it a point every day to put positive and loving interactions into the bank account of your marriage. Keep that account balance as high as possible. If the ratio drops below five positive interactions to every negative one, you will soon get into trouble. If that happens, get busy nurturing each other.
Grow Together -- Not Apart
All marriages are a caldron of growth. The growing edges and unresolved personal issues of each partner will often flower into full bloom within the relationship. Often, this growth can bring painful feelings that neither person wants to feel. The easiest defense against feeling the painful side of growth is to blame your partner for the discomfort. Whenever you feel like saying, "You are doing ... (some blaming statement) ... which is making me miserable," remember that this almost always means you are avoiding facing something in yourself. If you are unable to figure out exactly what you are avoiding, and if it is eroding the relationship, some good counseling can be of great help.
Be Open to Your Partner's Influence
Research shows that a positive indicator of a healthy relationship is both partners' ability to let themselves be influenced by the other. For example, when one partner gives feedback, the other will carefully consider what was offered and make the necessary changes. Women are usually more open to being influenced by others; most men have difficulty with this. My advice to the men is to allow yourselves to be influenced by your wives. Listen to what they say and take it seriously. Their influence can help you and your relationship grow.
Be Thankful
Gratitude is a key nutrient for any successful marriage. Frequent expressions of thankfulness for both little and large things keep the heart open. "Thank you for fixing such a nice dinner." "Thank you for giving me some space when my mother called." "Thank you for being my partner in this life." Gratefulness is one of the most important expressions in a caring marriage.
Pay Attention!
Here is a checklist of potential problems that couples may encounter. As you move through the different phases of your relationships, try to keep these warning flags - and their offerings - in mind:
- Complaints. Believe it or not, complaints can be an excellent source of information. They give insight into the things that need changing. If a woman complains that her husband is always late for dinner, it can be a sign that the couple needs to talk about their schedules and find a way to spend more time together. Complaints are not the same as blaming, because they are a request for change, (of course, it is better if the request is made directly.) But complaints -- though not the best way to make requests -- do force each of you to listen to the underlying request. When one person accepts a complaint as a clue to their partner¹s feelings, they can learn how to make that person happier.
- Defensiveness. Defensiveness can block receptivity. In doing so, it prevents your partner from influencing you. For example, if a wife tells her husband that she is upset because he was late for dinner, and he responds by saying, "You're always picking on me. Get off my back," his defensiveness creates a problem. This is not so good. It means he is blocking an opportunity for good communication. If this happens, back up, take a breath and try to understand what is being said without defending yourself. Remember -- your partner is not trying to make your life miserable. She is only trying to live a harmonious life for herself and her family.
- Contempt. This is really harmful. If your relationship has evolved to the place where one or both partners have contempt for the other and are either feeling or expressing it, watch out. Contempt will poison the good will between you. For instance, if a man is upset because his wife is spending too much time with her friends, and she responds by rolling her eyes and saying, "Stop acting like a baby. All you want to do is control me. Get a life!" then contempt is raging. Contempt is very damaging to the relationship. If one or both of you are in a pattern of contempt, that is a strong signal to get some professional help.
- Stonewalling. This happens when one person acts as if they have moved behind a stone wall and prevents their partner from knowing anything about what they are feeling or thinking. If a wife asks her husband what is wrong and he responds with a bland "Nothing is bothering me" statement-- when he is obviously very upset about something -- then he is stonewalling. Stonewalling is particularly dangerous because it completely blocks communication and good will. It can soon lead to some serious troubles. Men are more prone to stonewalling, but regardless of who is doing it, if you see it as a pattern in your relationship, run as fast as you can to a counselor . If it goes on for too long, your marriage will get into serious trouble.
- Parallel lives. Parallel lives happen when two people have given up their romantic dreams and are living together like roommates. Very little mutual sharing is happening. It is like living in a relationship without any life or vitality. Some marriages can go on for years like this. In time, one or both people will become very lonely. The result can be depression, physical illness or turning to other people for intimacy. If you are living in a parallel marriage and want your relationship to be vital and survive, get help as soon as possible.
Marv can be reached at: (206)364-9494 or marv@marvthomas.com